Sticky always

The morning thick,
Sickly with its wetness
Laden with the stillness
And you
are ill
Comatose in your waiting
Not restful, resentful
The clock bludgeons you
With its ticking
Teasing its ever present race
One pace ahead, two, three
And you are slowing, steady, ready
To keep yourself heading towards
Nothing, path veering,
Fearing what might be
if you keep on
But you do,
Muddy girl, weighted in your own ways
Stuck in your sticky always
Settled into the earth below

Drinking at night

You take a sip
Let the burn roll around your mouth
Like regret incarnate
Swallow,
wince as it rolls down to your stomach
and floats your nerves to the surface,
 You exhale the butterflies,
Let each one be a whiskey kiss
Desperate for motivation,
Directionless in a white room
Turn away reflections because it is just a reminder of projects left unfinished
You always had a problem with committment
Always a problem with yourself
Unfinished ends and old make up
Always dreamer, comfortable in your bed.

Find me

Did you see me, or see right through me?

eyes ravenous enough to swallow me 

or drown me in their murky pools, dark water

I swear I could see the spinning in your irises 

you're a whirlpool threatening to drag me in 

as if to say no matter where I go 

you will find me 

pulling me in,

 you say

 "stay, your eyes are dark, 

bathed in brown, with all the naturalness of earth

and all the life the soil can offer" 

Love for me

They are familiar,
Your
Broken roots
Jigsaw branches
Fevered shade
Knowing all too well the risk,
Of seeking shelter in you
But when you are the closest
thing I call home
It is easy to mistake your
bark for a tender touch,
And your dying leaves for pillows
With all of the impermanence of
A hollow tree,
I hope you find some love for me.

(March 2018, original writing date)

The fear is real,
Quickened pace, shallow breaths
Count one, two, three..no
Imagine the seat belt unclipping
 imagine shattered glass
Stars against your night sky hair
A dazziling display
When I say please stop,
You don't understand the ocean behind my words, pulsating with each second I count as to not cry, not put myself in vulnerability.
When I say my anxiety has been bad lately
I mean that the attacks are more frequent
My panic is more aggressive
I don't say I have anxiety to be romantic
I say it to convince myself it is okay

Goodbye

This is how I disappear,
Slowly like a passing storm attempting to wreck everything before it is gone.
I am going to push as far away as I can,
Make you avoid me,
I am a train wreck you do not need to see.
Do not worry about goodbyes,
I've always felt they were too heavy to hang in the air
So they'll drop, laden, with all the sorrow
They'll drip with the wishing
As if anything could stop me
from passing by.

No longer whirlwind,
 in the eye of the storm
My mind is the warzone, cognition tears into irrationality,  consumerism designed to make me happy
There are no demons here. It is calm,
 This is the most dangerous part,
a cold standoff
Silent acceptance that the end is coming,
That the three page note you have written on a laptop you should have never bought
Is poetic justice,
the recognition of a struggle you have lost
And I,
can't even seem to get the words right
so worried about disappointing anyone,
So worried about showing weakness, for needing something,
digging myself in deeper for those who never cared enough to slow down for me. This isn't a poem.
This isn't clarity, I do not wish to live, I
I do not wish to die.
I do not wish
for the fear that the longing
will consume the little light I have left to give.