(March 2018, original writing date)

The fear is real,
Quickened pace, shallow breaths
Count one, two, three..no
Imagine the seat belt unclipping
 imagine shattered glass
Stars against your night sky hair
A dazziling display
When I say please stop,
You don't understand the ocean behind my words, pulsating with each second I count as to not cry, not put myself in vulnerability.
When I say my anxiety has been bad lately
I mean that the attacks are more frequent
My panic is more aggressive
I don't say I have anxiety to be romantic
I say it to convince myself it is okay

Goodbye

This is how I disappear,
Slowly like a passing storm attempting to wreck everything before it is gone.
I am going to push as far away as I can,
Make you avoid me,
I am a train wreck you do not need to see.
Do not worry about goodbyes,
I've always felt they were too heavy to hang in the air
So they'll drop, laden, with all the sorrow
They'll drip with the wishing
As if anything could stop me
from passing by.

No longer whirlwind,
 in the eye of the storm
My mind is the warzone, cognition tears into irrationality,  consumerism designed to make me happy
There are no demons here. It is calm,
 This is the most dangerous part,
a cold standoff
Silent acceptance that the end is coming,
That the three page note you have written on a laptop you should have never bought
Is poetic justice,
the recognition of a struggle you have lost
And I,
can't even seem to get the words right
so worried about disappointing anyone,
So worried about showing weakness, for needing something,
digging myself in deeper for those who never cared enough to slow down for me. This isn't a poem.
This isn't clarity, I do not wish to live, I
I do not wish to die.
I do not wish
for the fear that the longing
will consume the little light I have left to give.