Common teen angst

I am trapped, I am fine

I am good, you're wasting my time

Let me decide, let me reside

I can make up my own mind

you have locked me away

somewhere dark and in a cage

In a box I confide for hours to pass the time

you sit out there and wonder why
Do you ever consider what I
need to do, have you ever realized
I need my own life
I need decision making skills
you're not going to be here forever

Maybe, Perhaps

Maybe I'm not here anymore.
maybe I have flown away,
perhaps evarporated into the horizon
as I'd like to some days ,
Maybe catch a plane, a train, and automobile just in search of something that is real,
...take a boat across the atlantic ,
or swim out to sea and
just float there waiting for the serenity
to take over and
pull me under the water
maybe never to return again

you are not hidden

You are not hidden behind leaves,
                 or blades of grass
I see you clearly in my past
through all the pavement, and brick walls confining
the clocks ticking all to do with timing
          tiptoeing around hollowed words
hiding from swallowed curse
         I see the sun shining

I never knew myself

I never knew myself
until I was six feet under, my depression
Desperation a new meaning,
quietly pleading for an ounce of sanity
the worlds edges dulled
and I grew numb
every word I spoke sounded dumb
to me
not grasping any hint of reality
I choked on the smoke of others extremities
never fully suceeding mentally I gave up

Places I leave my soul

I left my soul in my pocket,
behind my door,
on my dirty pilled floor,
next to my make up splattered on my desk
on my old battered toy chest
now my soul I can not find where I left thee
it will forever remain a mystery

I am The Antonym

What did you get out of lying to me?
you got nothing
you lost a friend
I lost nothing; except my willingness to pretend
you did not hurt me
if that was your goal
I knew what to expect
I knew your heart was cold
and stained with the blood of a thousand sin
Tainted with your faux Feelings;
painted with your many lovers
most of which you sent away
not many heed the warning
as many of us fall
there will always be the willing
not matter how many time you cheat
they will come back.
But they are not me and
I call them the hopeless
 I am the antonym

Quatrain:6 7 8 9

I'm not breathing, I'm bound
I'm not screaming, not a sound
This plastic bag around my head
When I already wish I was dead.

quatrain 2 :6 8 9 7

My body is faint, thin, and frail
my skin is broken, damaged, and pale
gazing at the reflection I hate
dumping out my dinner plate

Quatrain one :8 6 6 8

Idolization never works out
filling me with self doubt
corroded to my bones
I'm going to eat a scone

Snowy demise (hopefully better title soon) 12:10 pm 12-1-2010

Snow falls softly
and blankets all
snow falls softly
I hear you call
calling out in pain
slurring every syllable of my name
each gasp turning your blankets red
kneeling beside you
calming you for death
I wish this were my last breath
you stutter words
clinging to life every
spasm as sharp as the knife
peircing your heart
and instead of dying quietly
your last act of life
you muttered a name that wasn't even mine
so I left you there to die
alone.

Only dream 1:50pm 12-1-2010

 I am freely
      Trapped
Bound
     and chained
   here
By an invisible force
 I am gagged
silenced
  and trained
choked by words
        Twisting
   clawing
and struggling
I can not scream

Family (revised on 3-28-2011)

were supposed to be family right?
why are you bent on detroying our relations
once
I thought you'd learned
then twice rolled around,
was I the only one who heard?
the sound of family bonds breaking
In the reconstruction where we could exists as
one in a group function
without arguments
without avoidance
without shun from blood
without hatred and disgrace
without despise when seeing your face
I began to forgive past mistakes and now here it is staring me in the face
this does not effect only you
You caused hatred in these four walls
I hate how you boast
you're proud of who you are
your proud of hurting us - the ones you "love"
your proud of destroying us "the family as one"
proud of fooling this country; I know nothing but facts
I have not been fed lies
I have done my own thinking
I see what you have done I've been on the side lines this whole time,
listening, waiting, wanting to share my voice
to share my hopes
....my joy
of our family coming back together
its falling apart around us because of
children disguised as adults
their petty greed
looking down upon me a mere child i know your ways
I may lack the years but mistake me not for a fool
I have watch your lives play out from the sideline since age 8
had problems of my own at age 13
I create my own scenarios I'm an author you may see
I'm capable of forming logical opinions regardless of how naive i may seem
I have asked to keep you out of my life
I should not have asked because it is my decision to make
Can you be so heartless so cruel
even if the other side isn't innocent either
you've both played a hand in this
one just as responsible as another
but who is most to blame is the one who's the supplier
the woman who pretends to be faithful to the bible but commits almost all the sin
do you really believe in god or is it just a scam.
I want to grab your face and scream why in the world
you think your untouchable
your human honey, not immortal.
The point of this was for you to see what you've done to the family
with your impudent and immature behavior you and her both
equal at hand
equal at guilt
Neither of you hold my respect any more
and i don't think you can ever gain it back.

Rain

Rain flowing down so lightly
so quiet
It happend today I fell apart
my blood dripped like the rain
you were the band aid holding me together
the staples if I were paper
you fell away and I came undone forever

untitled 2009

Must I lose all the colors of the world to dull my pain
must I give up all of life to hide from the rain
I hear people talking
I see people laughing
on occasion I spot the blank stares like the one that I wear
These are what i've become
the feeing of pain grows numb

Dear American Soldier

Dear American Soldier,
I heard you risked your life,
 to save my family and I
I heard you had to fight ,
so I can stay alive
I heard you missed moments back home
so I may walk down the street alone (unguarded)
I hear so many things you lost
for a stranger
a faceless stranger like me
So I thank you American soldier
for letting me be free

I don't deserve this voice

This voice I use
it seems never for better
only worse
things never come out right
and truths become swallowed in lies
they dry in the back of my throat
letting out only gasping chokes
a voice is useless if one has nothing to say
If one has nothing helpful to say
nothing should be said.

Whats hidden In the fog

Fog blankets over the rows,

rows of comatose houses 

and only I hasten

Kicking the leaves as I go

I walk past the grounds of the dead, blanketed by floating snow

past the childrens park I know

all this time walking alone

I begin to forget about my home

the miasma bleeds Into my mind
and I lose all track of time
and pains once benign began to spread
cancerous thoughts plauged my heart
hidden by the fog I step into the road
with all intentions of going home
but whats hidden in the fog was my ultimate demise
an eighteen wheeler flashed before my eyes
and then I died

Contents Unknown

Who am I ?
Who do you want me to be?
I reflect only what you want to see,
I am a mirror
A foil of sorts
I hide inside all you can not find
It lies inside, Inside my broken mind
One day I will shatter this mirror
and I will show you all you can not see
I will show you the real me

I saw

I found you in a form no one else knew
I found you inside me too
I saw the beauty within the monster
The soul within a cage
all the world had to do was turn the page
then they may see you for your beauty too.

In My Mind

How do I escape a home
      in which I've never lived
How do I give up
      something that was never mine
these fictional things
      resting in my mind
Could there be a key
      in my past
To put my memory to rest
Why have I blocked it out
How can I go on without
a question as to why
when i go back in my mind
I see that moment,
  Then go blind